Week 7, Feeling Crappy

So, after all that, worrying for a week, checking my underwear and checking the toilet paper when I wipe, I finally had my first ultrasound. The ultrasound that has been torture waiting for. The one where we get to see if baby girl is in fact healthy and growing in there. Sometimes I wish we were some sort of sci-fi robot where we could press a button and see what our baby was doing in there any given moment. It would be an incredible app, you could see the heartbeat, fetal movements, what baby looks like…man a girl can dream right?!?!

There was one more episode of blood when I wiped last Friday, and I worried myself crazy, thinking it was the beginning of the end. I called the nurse and she told me to rest for the weekend. Which I took to mean, bed-rest for the weekend and I did very little. As the days passed and no more blood showed up, I became more and more relieved. But still not out of the woods until I see that flicker of light.

What really sucks is that I have had a horrendous cough for two weeks now, so I feel miserable from hacking so much. My neck hurts, my head hurts, my torso hurts…really everything is miserable. Nothing has helped it, and I would have probably gone to the doctor about it by now, but my dad has the exact same thing and they told him it was a virus…and there isn’t anything they can do. They won’t give me an x-ray because I’m pregnant, so, I’m toughing it out.

When the ultrasound appointment finally got here, I waited all day, since my appointment was in the evening and they are behind, so I’m in the waiting room tapping my feet, shaking from nerves. When they finally call me back, I get undressed and lay on the table trying to relax before my doctor comes in. He was speedy, because I had a moment and that was it. He came in and asked how I was doing, I told him I was soooooooo nervous, and he joked about ‘why would I be, it’s only the most important appointment thus far’. At least he knows and recognizes the nerves that go into this appointment. He had a woman with him, who I assume was being trained…he had her attempt to find baby. She stuck the ultrasound wand inside me and poked around. I saw nothing…at all. I began to get worried and my doctor was like, ‘here, you see, there’ and he pointed at the screen for her to see, then he kindly nudged her away and took over (thank God) and began pressing on the outside of my stomach kind of hard. It mildly hurt, but I really didn’t care, I just wanted to know the status of my baby. He said out loud ‘hi baby’, and I relaxed a little. I still didn’t see anything, but he said, your baby has a heartbeat, see right there. I saw nothing. I told him I couldn’t see anything and he zoomed in all the way for me. There she was, a round little sack, with a strong flickering light in the middle. He explained what we were looking at, and I started crying. Such relief. I sat up and the doctor gave me a hug. He was very confident that she is healthy looking from this scan, she measures 3.3 mm. He did tell me to stop the Lovenox injections at this point. Which I have mixed feelings about. On one hand, hooray, no more shots that cause horrible bruising on my stomach!, but on the other hand, I’ve grown accustomed to it and it’s part of a routine, and it makes me fearful something could go wrong by changing the formula for which this is working. He assured me that the Lovenox is only to help aid implantation and baby is already implanted. So, I have to trust doc and go with the flow. I do still have to continue the progesterone in oil shots, which are the ones that go in my backside muscle…and man am I sick of those. They don’t hurt while going in, the muscle hurts ALL.THE.TIME. But not enough to keep me from living my life, or changing the way I walk or sit or stand. But enough to be a reminder all day long of the pain I’m going through for this to work out.

My husband is beyond thrilled, and you can’t wipe the smile off his face. Me, on the other hand, am…guarded. Really really guarded. It’s weird how we do that to protect ourselves, yet any unhappy ending will devastate you no matter how excited you were or not. Why can’t I just let myself be happy? Do I feel like I don’t deserve it? Am I waiting for tragedy to strike? What is it? I feel mildly depressed and don’t really know how to get out of it. I’ll tell you what doesn’t help…it doesn’t help when people tell you to be happy, this is great news, it doesn’t help when people tell you that everything will be fine, it doesn’t help that I’m sick with this horrible cold/cough, it doesn’t help that my IBS is acting up something fierce causing me tremendous tummy aches and bathroom breaks, it doesn’t help that I feel nauseous around the clock and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m hoping to snap out of it soon and be happy again, but the fear creeps in when you least expect it. For now though, little baby girl is a fighter, a strong woman, just like me (from what I’ve been told).

Fearful but Hopeful

Yesterday while I was working I crouched down to do a few things and I noticed a ‘bloody’ smell, similar to when I would wear a pad during my period. I thought it was odd, but convinced my brain it was just my imagination. Well, oddly enough, I didn’t use the restroom at work at all during the day and I knew I was meeting my mother in law to go pick out granite after work, so I ran in real quick on my way out to go. When I pulled my pants down I saw it immediately, staring back at me, stains in my underwear. I started freaking out, inspecting it. It looked like it had happened close to when I originally noticed it, probably right before noon. Because it looked dry and there wasn’t very much of it. It was brown in color and looked old. I wiped to inspect more and it just looked like old remnants from whatever was staring at me in my panties. Still silently freaking out, I realized it was 3:55 and my doctors office shuts their phone lines off at 4:00. I ran to a quiet place and called them up, trying not to cry. They got a nurse and she explained that it isn’t uncommon in IVF patients to see a bit of old blood like that come out. She said she doesn’t know why it happens but, in about 20-30% of patients they see it. I began having flashbacks to how my miscarriage started and this was it. All my hopes and dreams began feeling like a failure. I was so confused, how can this be? We did the special testing that put back a healthy baby girl, my numbers have been solid and great this entire time. They started at 166, then 414.1, then 1361. So, it shows she is progressing in there quite nicely. How can this be? How could I lose this baby now?

All I wanted to do was go home, but I still met my mother in law and we drove out and picked out granite. All I could think of was getting home and stripping down to check to see if there was more blood. I raced home when we were done and did just that. Inspecting the white toilet paper with every wipe. I saw a pinprick size of brighter pink-red blood and began to freak out. I called the after hours nurse crying and explained what I saw. I asked if they did more blood work could that tell them anything, she suggested I come in the next morning and get blood work done. She said that those colors can be normal too, but if I’m soaking a pad in an hour or there is a lot of bleeding to call back.

Well, I checked all night, over and over and over, and nothing. It seemed to stop. When I woke up, I checked again, nothing. Is it because I was horizontal all night and it will seep out during the day?

I got ready, my husband gave me the shots, which, today, the progesterone shot hurt, like enough to make me say outloud, ow ow ow ow ow. It hasn’t truly hurt until today. I hope that isn’t going to be a norm going forward. I drove to the doctors office and got my blood drawn. I told the nurse how confused I was given the situation, with the healthy embryo and the really good numbers. She said the likelihood of a loss now is slim given those things, but not impossible. So, not very reassuring, but nothing is. Nothing will be, until she is cradled in my arms sleeping soundly.

I patiently waited for the results and a different nurse called me back. She told me my numbers look great, at 12,000 and that I don’t need to come back for blood work. It sounded so nonchalant and she didn’t even address anything about why I came in in the first place, I said, do you know why I got the blood work today? and from her response I don’t think she did, because I said, I was bleeding and I was hoping those were good numbers, and she said they were and that was pretty much it. So I’m reassured for now. But I have to wait until a week from today and I can have my ultrasound to see her heartbeat. I keep checking the toilet paper when I use the bathroom and no more blood, so maybe it was a fluke.

The nurse told me that this has to be treated as an entirely different pregnancy than my last ones, because it is so different. I’m on all these hormones and it’s not the same. That is hard not to revert back to what you know from the previous ones and go, well, I didn’t have that in those pregnancies, so it must not be good. Also, seeing blood is never a good feeling when you’re pregnant. I still remain hopeful that we’ve made it this far, and she’s safe and sound in there.

Girl In Progress

Here I am, 19 hours after my FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). I’m laying flat on my back in bed, as instructed. Trying to find things to fill in my time. Let’s back up to yesterday morning…

I got up early for my husband to give me my shots for the morning. On last Saturday I started the new shot, the dreaded one: Progesterone in Oil. I have been somewhat freaking out about this one since the beginning, but strangely, with all of the shots, I’m taking them one poke at a time since there are so many ahead of me. I’ve read horror stories online again, about how bad it is, and talked to a personal friend who told me they were the worst part of the process, bringing her to tears every time. I swear she told me it starts ok, then got worse for her. I researched so many tips and tricks about what to do to make them better. The first shot, I didn’t even feel it at all. I am supposed to inject them in the morning before 9am. Which in my opinion, is a good thing, because I make sure to get moving and make sure the oil has a good amount of time to flow into my muscle. It does get stiff on my backside, feeling like I have concrete in my muscle. But really so far, it’s just been a strange uncomfortable feeling, I have had little to no pain associated with the actual poke and the shot afterwards. One day, I feel like maybe a pain receptor was hit because I was sore all day, but just sore, not in pain. My secret so far, which is part of my OCD planning, we have a small diagram drawn in a notebook of the two circles the nurse drew (and my husband has redrawn) on my backside. Every morning before the injection, we look at the diagram and we plot out the best location for the injection, that is nowhere near the last one. We also alternate between sides, so there is ample time for the injection site and muscle to chill before getting poked again. He always proclaims a time as if the circle drawn on me is a clock, such as “okay, so 4 o’clock today, got it” and it reinforces we are both on the same page as far as location. When I first get up in the morning I turn the heating pad on (it’s folded in half, with the pre-disposed syringe I prepared the night before in the fold) so that it can warm the oil in the syringe before it’s injected. It is usually in the heating pad for about 15 minutes while I get ready and we do the Lovenox injection. I ice the area for about 5-10 minutes and lay FLAT on my stomach in bed, with my toes pointed in, relaxed. He swabs with alcohol pad and pulls the skin taught and pokes it in. I barely feel the poke, and it doesn’t even hurt. Then he immediately massages the area for about 5 minutes and I put the heating pad on it for about 2 minutes. I immediately get up and move, move, move. I want the oil and the muscle engaged for a while. It seems to be working thus far. We’ll see, as it’s only been 7 shots so far of that medicine. So…back to yesterday morning after the injections/medicines.

Since I was already awake, I decided to head over to my workout class and take some of the stress off by working out. It felt great to get it done and I felt energized and ready to take on the day. After my workout class, I came home and got a bunch of loose odds and ends taken care of, weird things, like putting out the Halloween doormat and hanging a giant Halloween star on my front porch, touching up some paint in my older boys room and I decided to do a fresh coat of paint on my master bedroom door because my kids slimy, dirty little hands are all over the door all the time. The painting went fast and easy…until my hands slipped off the quart size paint can and it came crashing to the floor spilling white paint ALL over the wall and ALL OVER the carpet. I began freaking out, I ran to get towels and sopped up all the globs of paint, and began pouring glasses of water on the paint spots to wash is down. Knowing the paint is water based I knew if I poured enough water on it, it would go away, I just had to get to it before it dried. I spilled on my socks and I didn’t realize it and I tracked it on other parts of the carpet. I am huge on signs and I thought maybe it was a bad sign, but looking at it from a different angle, there were so many good signs, first, I had just taken off my favorite work out shoes, if I hadn’t they would have been ruined. I’d much rather throw out a pair of socks than my favorite shoes. I got almost ALL the paint off the wall, except for a couple little spots I will have to repaint, and all the paint out of the carpet! It’s a miracle. I did however, ruin five bath towels, but on a good note, they were 8-9 years old and I had been wanting to replace them anyways, lol. So, that kept my mind and body busy scrubbing for about 30 minutes, repeating over and over ‘ohmygodohmygod’, hahahaha.

After that was all taken care of, I jumped in the shower, got myself all ready and my husband came home from work to pick me up. I brought the blanket we have for her, that I have different ones for all my kids and they bring them everywhere. I brought hers for good luck. My transfer time was set for 1pm, and they told me to get there by 12:30 to take a Valium and Ibuprofen before the procedure. Well, they were running behind and didn’t call me back until 12:45, then the nurse rushed me through the questions and asked me to change into my operating gown. I thought she would leave, but she just stalled, I’m thinking, I know you are about to see me naked anyways, but give me a little dignity and let me change into the gown without you in here. Finally she left and I changed, but she kept coming back in while I was. I was so annoyed. Then she had me take the Valium and the Ibuprofen, like 10 minutes before the procedure, I don’t feel like it did anything. Also, they made me drink like 40 ounces of water before getting there so I had to pee so bad it was uncomfortable. They had my husband get into a gown and mask and cap and we walked into the operating room. They had me lay back with my legs in these comfy stirrup things and I made a comment to my husband that those were the comfy things I was talking about, and he laughed.

So my doctor came in and put the speculum in me and got right to business. They had the table I was laying on at a downward angle so my crotch was basically right in his face. The nurse was using the ultrasound on the outside of my body and pressing on my stomach where my previous two c-sections were and it hurt so bad, not to mention the pressure from having to pee so bad, it made me gasp. I was gripping my husbands hand so hard from the nerves and pain. They had a tv screen on the wall, and my doctor said, we are doing one embryo, and I repeated back, one baby girl embryo, and he said do you see it on the screen, that little white dot in the middle, that’s it. And he said now they are going to take her and bring her in here, and I saw a syringe suck her up and she was gone from the screen. My doctor said, and he should be coming in here in a second, and the door opened with the embryologist and he proclaimed ‘here’s your baby girl’, and my doctor said the catheter is even pink for her, and the embryologist said ‘that’s right’. and before you know it she was safe and sound in my uterus. It literally only took 10 minutes, if that for the whole thing, from start to finish. They gave me a picture of her, little white dot that she is right now, sandwiched safely in between the walls of my uterus. I can’t stop looking at her. I began sobbing, this was it, the exact moment I take over as mother again, to host this little girl that will one day be. It was so emotional. My husband and I just looking at each other (I had to move his face mask off of him so I could see his face).

The nurse told me I needed to lay there like that for 5 minutes and then I could get up and go to the bathroom and then I needed to lay down for 30 more minutes and I could go, then it was bed rest the next 24 hours. She then left the OR. I said to my husband I hope she comes back, because I don’t know if I get up myself or she does it…lol…but she was in and out and after 5 minutes she helped me up and helped me to the bathroom, which felt amazing! Then I strolled back to the bed I was in and rested flat on my back for 30 minutes, talking to my husband. I did have to get blood work again, but I’m no stranger to needles now. But the entire time, it was surreal, this moment here, her inside of me…just waiting, hoping, excited. When the nurse came back, she said I was free to go, I said, already? and she said, you can stay as long as you want, but I’m sure you want to go home, and she chuckled. So true.

We drove home and I got into bed, laying on a pillow with my butt and legs raised higher than the rest of me, and only got up about once an hour to pee or get medicine. It was much more uncomfortable that I thought it would be, laying like that, and I got a massive headache. By the time it came to go to sleep, I was exhausted, but couldn’t fall asleep, I was uncomfortable and wishing and praying this works.

I slept okay and today is a new day. Laying here flat today, trying to rest and picture her growing inside me and me being a good host to let her be amazing. I will have to wait two weeks to find out if I’m pregnant. I have high hopes. ­čÖé Fingers and toes crossed for good news.

Let The Injections Commence

So here we are, a week of giving injections to my tummy again. This time, not so great. I have begun getting ready for my egg transfer, which is a week from tomorrow. I began taking Aspirin, Estrogen pills, Estrogen patches, and Lovenox injections. The morning of the first shot, I woke up early and got myself all ready. My husband came in and was all ready for it, but I swear he needed practice again or something, because not only did the shot hurt, but I bruised so bad it looked like I got hit in the gut with a softball. I thought holy crap, there is no way I’m going to be able to do 120 of these bad boys. Especially since the injection site was sore to touch and felt like an actual bruise. Even though the nurse warned me of the bruising, she assured me they would not be painful, so I thought to myself how I’m not going to be able to do it.

I took to the internet and scoured pages and things that helped ease the pain of these shots and many people complained of the pain associated with them. In that moment I realized I put a rubbing arnica on my kids when they bruise and it helps every time, so I decided the next day I would try the arnica, which is a homeopathic gel that comes in a stick form that helps prevent bruising and swelling. It worked, no bruise. I also followed the advice I read about online, which was to apply direct pressure to injection site immediately following and then ice it again. So it was hard to tell, was it all of it combined that worked or just the arnica or ice? I began reading about arnica and there seemed to be a drug interaction with the lovenox, and I got worried, so I called the after hours nurse and she had never heard of arnica before, but looked it up and said it shouldn’t be a problem. She said she would check with my doctor and let me know his advice the next day. I never heard from them. I used it that day and the day after and then I read it wasn’t safe in pregnancy and I decided not to use it again since I will hopefully be pregnant in a week. I tried the pressure/ice method and it seems to work the same. Now, this isn’t to say the bruising has stopped, because it hasn’t, my tummy is a grid of bruises now, but at least they are just kind of tender, not painful. I am also very OCD about the location of the injection with it becoming a literal grid so I never go over the same area twice. I am also counting down each injection as I go so I can see how far I’ve come and have a visual for how far there is left to go.

I have had mild side effects from the estrogen, like my breasts are super tender, and they are getting fuller every day. My stomach cramps all the time, but mostly when I’m on my feet a long time or walking around. I have been extra hot, but that very well could just be me, because I run hot. And…I hate to admit the emotional side of things, but it’s there. I did have a little cry this past weekend and it felt good to just get it out. Oh, one more thing…and I’m tired…really tired.

So, now I have an ultrasound/bloodwork and lots of questions set for a couple days from now and then I start taking a bunch more medicine, including the dreaded progesterone in oil shots. I’ve prepared as much as I can reading how to help those go smooth, but it is just something I will have to figure out, I’m sure.

Why Fear The Unknown When It Truly Is The Unknown?

Why do we do it? We have a tendency to fear the things we don’t know about or fear the things we cannot control. It’s innate in us, we just have a hard time wrapping our brains around a feeling we have never experienced yet.

When I was told I was going to have to have a Hysteroscopy to remove a small polyp in my uterus, before my egg transfer, I thought, how in the heck are they going to get in there, without cutting me open? When I inquired, the nurse told me they go in through the vagina and in through the cervix. I asked how they open the cervix and she said they would prescribe medication to dilate it. Wait, hold the phone, I know what that means, that means you are going to give me medicine to act like labor, I’m no dummy. She assured me it would not be like that.

When I picked the medication up from the pharmacy, I had the name of it and made the cardinal mistake of looking up information about it online. I read pages upon pages of women’s stories that told of the horror this medication afflicted on their bodies. I read of nightmarish things that made me so afraid of the pain I was going to experience I got myself prepared for the worst. I got lavender essential oil for my diffuser, I got epsom salts for a bath if needed, I downloaded meditation apps, and looked up pain reliever videos on you tube. I was all set to hunker down and work through it all night.

When they called to tell me my surgery time was 2pm, I started tearing up. I asked the nurse, how am I going to make it that long in writhing pain? I won’t be able to do it. She told me it would not be bad at all and not to worry. Of course, I worry, because I haven’t experienced it myself so I don’t know.

The time came to insert the three Misoprostol 200 mg tablets into my vajayjay. I pushed them as far up as I could reach and laid down in bed to wait. The first hour went by, and I felt a twinge of pain for a second, I thought, oh god, it’s coming, and I waited. The second hour went by and no pain, the third hour went by and still no pain. Hmmmm…did I do it right? Based on what other people said I felt like I must have screwed things up. Either way, there was nothing I could do about it now. I stayed in a horizontal position for about 3 hours to make sure nothing ‘fell’ out when I stood up. Really, there was no pain, maybe mild cramping, like a period a little, but I’ve had worse periods. I did take the Tylenol and Ibuprofen as instructed and to the minute based on what my directions were. After the last dose of pain killers, I went to sleep, and I was able to sleep through the night.

The morning came and I still had no pain, I got caught up on bills, made some important phone calls, and just relaxed to get ready for my surgery. When we got to the office, we checked in and since we were 45 minutes early I figured it would be a minute, but nope, I literally was sitting less than a minute and they called my name. To the back we went, and before you know it, there are 5 people in this tiny little pre-op curtained room. I swear to God. I had three nurses, one to ask me questions (which was so confusing with everything going on), one to put my IV in (which I wanted to focus on so I didn’t scream or move from pain) and one to watch the one doing the IV because the one doing it was new. Then I had the anesthesiologist in there asking questions through the nurses, and my doctor came in. Holy mackerel. It gave me a little anxiety before everything. But I told the nurse since I was dehydrated and my veins are small it might be a challenge to find a vein. I expected to be poked at least twice, especially with this new nurse. But she got it on the first try. I thanked her for not poking me twice. Then they brought me this substance to drink, a little shot in a red plastic container. I asked what it was and they told me it was for nausea. The minute I smelled the sour smell I remembered it from my past two c-sections. It tastes like a lemon drop on acid and a deep medicine taste. It is horrible! When all calmed down, I was just waiting my turn in the operating room. My husband was in there with me, and he was playing on his phone and I read a couple articles in my magazine.

Before I knew it, they came in to get me. I walked to the bathroom to pee, and then walked right into the OR. It was the same table as my egg retrieval and they had me back into the table and they untied my gown and had me lay down, with my butt at the end of the table and my legs in these stirrups. They are massive cushiony stirrups and they are lifted up high, and they cradle your legs and strap them in. I gotta say, minus the breeze in my nether regions, it was pretty comfy.

The anesthesiologist put a blood pressure cuff on my arm and strapped my arms to the table. Before I even knew it, I was asleep. They don’t have you count down or let you know it’s going to happen, it just does, and you wake up 45 minutes later feeling like nothing happened at all. It’s the weirdest feeling. I chatted with the nurse once I woke up and I had little to no pain, just grogginess. They gave me Tylenol just in case there was pain and I was on my way. I was starving because I couldn’t eat all day and they gave me something for any nausea associated with the anesthesia, so my husband and I stopped and got some food on the way home. It hit the spot perfectly.

A few hours after getting home, I started to feel cramps in my uterus and it isn’t pleasant, but I took some Ibuprofen and I hope it stays pretty mild. So far, all my fears have been disproven. I hope that continues as I start injections back up tomorrow morning. In fact, the big dog drugs are coming out to play now. Tomorrow begins, Lovenox injection, estrogen patches, estrogen tablets, aspirin, and the antibiotic I’m on from the surgery today. A week after that I add Progesterone in Oil to the mix, another one of my great fears.

One more thing down, and I’m keeping my eyes on the prize. My sweet sweet baby girl.

And…Now I’m Scared

So, I sit here in my bed, tears running down my face, sniffling from just having had a good cry. I’m getting to the beginning of the end of this cycle and I had my water sonogram, in which my doctor saw I had a small polyp and I just filled the prescription I needed for the procedure to remove it.

I gotta tell you, I’m terrified of this medication. It is called Misoprostol and I am supposed to take three pills, vaginally at 6pm the night before my procedure. I asked in the office if it was going to be like labor pain, and they said ‘oh no, just cramping’. Well, guess what? I know labor is just severe cramping…been there done that doc, but thanks for telling me yet another lie. So I mention to the pharmacist my fears and she says it does cause severe cramping, bleeding, etc. Okay, not really helping, but a little more honest. She also said the drug is commonly used for abortion and I thought it was odd.

I called my doctor to ask if it was correct and why they are using that. They told me it was correct and that it is used for a number of reasons. She also told me some people experience pain and others aren’t bothered by it. So, I took to the internet, like any normal Gen-X-er and read more and more stories about how absolutely horrifying this medication is. How many women passed out from pain, called 911, went to the ER for fever, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and were doubled over in so much pain they cried out screaming. THIS. DOES. NOT. MAKE. ME. FEEL. ANY. BETTER. In fact, I found myself sobbing incoherently to my husband because I am so scared.

First of all, I’ve gone into natural labor before, I know it sucks, I know it is massive amounts of pain. I also know I begged/screamed for an epidural before I was even that far into labor. You can’t fool me. Been there, done that. I know cramping and my body, don’t mix. I suffer from IBS anyways, and I know anything else triggering an IBS issue will not be good for me.

Second of all, they list on the prep sheet, to alternate between Tylenol and Motrin until midnight. All that I read said the pain progressively got worse through the night, then what? I can’t take any more pain management meds because of my surgery. I asked the nurse and she said I could take a pill with a sip of water. Okay, I feel a little better…but only because I’ve been given a possible solution. I’m still over here freaking out about how much pain I will be doubled over in throughout the night.

I realize reading the internet can be a cardinal sin and get me into loads of mental turmoil, but really, wouldn’t you rather know worst case scenarios┬ábefore they happen, not while they happen and you are freaking out something is terribly wrong? I know what has happened in the past too, the nurses are not straight with me and tell me things are going to be ‘not painful’, maybe some ‘discomfort’ but not ‘painful’. And I will be the first to say they lied. I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all. It’s hard to find trust in doctors and nurses who won’t be straight with you. Although, on the flip side, to be fair, the Web MD blurp about that medication said the exact same thing as the nurses. However, real peoples accounts matter when it comes to things of this nature and they aren’t to be discounted. With the Depot Lupron shot, I was expecting it to hurt and I was expecting all these side effects and it didn’t hurt and I had no side effects at all, so who really knows what my body will do and how it will react.

I think I will take a Xanax tonight, to relieve some of this anxiety. Maybe help me calm down a bit, at least I got some tears out.

Everything I Do Is New and Scary

Yesterday was the first day of taking this antibiotic they prescribed me in preparation for my water sonogram. It said on the sheet to take it with food, and I took it when I woke up, knowing by the time I got to work, within the 30 minute mark, I would be eating something. Well, I barely made it to that point, because I felt very weird, sort of out of it, nauseous, sick, everything. I forced myself to eat a Fiber One bar and that was it. I dry heaved for close to an hour and then when the food set in, I felt better. I didn’t even know what the medicine was called or really what it was for. When I got home I looked it up and was shocked to read that it can be used to prevent anthrax poisoning and malaria. CRAZY! No wonder I felt so crappy after I took it. I made sure to take it with┬áfood in the evening. I was also instructed to take an Ibuprofen 600 tablet before bed and two hours before procedure. I didn’t feel like it would do much…

I was expecting pain, and I got pain. I also wasn’t sure what to expect, pretty much at all. I read about it on the internet and I thought I would be able to feel the water going in. That, I couldn’t. But where the pain came in was the “mock transfer’ where my doctor put the catheter into my cervix. He had some trouble getting it in and it was painful and uncomfortable. Not enough to make me cry, but my husband was there and I was squeezing his hand. He told me he couldn’t have that happen the day of my transfer, but honestly, I’m not sure what will be different then, maybe just that he knows it’s a challenge. My doctor did find a polyp inside my uterus and he told me that because it is posterior and that is where he attempts to place the embryo for implantation, it needs to be clear of that type of thing. So, now I need to have surgery to remove it.

Having the nurse explain this surgery to me has me slightly freaked out again. Yes, I will be sedated, and yes, it’s outpatient, but when I asked how they will be going in to get it, they told me they will dilate the cervix and go in that way. I said, as if I’m in labor? and they said, yes, but not so bad. I’m thinking, when I had my second baby and I went into labor naturally, I was demanding drugs at 4 cm because I was in so much pain. Now, I have to endure this pain on purpose again? Ummmm, I don’t think so. Ugh. So, another day off of work and I am not looking forward to the unknown again. It just seems like every step is scary. But every time I complete something, it’s one more thing crossed off the list.

Today was also the day they administered my Depot Lupron shot. This is the shot the nurse told me cost $1000 out of pocket, but thank God my insurance covered it. They told me because it’s so expensive, they like to give it at the office, so nothing goes wrong. I had talked to a friend who went through it and she said it was the worst shot ever. It was big and long and scary. Well, I chose not to look at it and I asked the nurse if she could get me a frozen ice pack for my wimpy self. They got me one that was not cold enough and I requested a more solid frozen one, and they obliged. If nothing else, they sure know how to humor me. So I put it on my backside and let it sit for a few minutes. I took my husbands hand and when she gave it to me, I barely felt a thing. That solid ice pack works wonders. Now, to sit back and wait for the side effects, the hot flashes, and night sweats. I hope I bypass all that stuff.

On my way out of the office, my husband had to use the bathroom, and I was waiting by the elevators. This woman came out of the office and made the same mistake I do a million times with opening their new glass door. It needs a little sign that says either Push/Pull, because you always do the opposite and then you feel silly. Well, I made a comment to her, laughing that I do the same thing all the time and she laughed and asked me a question about if it was my first appointment. I told her it wasn’t, then her and I got chatting about all that’s gotten me up to this point in the process. She told me that she just went to her consult appointment and how much information it was to take in. I agreed and we talked for what seemed like forever. She and I seem to be a lot alike and I thought it was cool that she was wanting to go through IVF for the same reason as us. I don’t know anyone who would be willing to go through it like me, so to meet someone else who is thinking about it was pretty refreshing. We talked so long, I said, we should exchange numbers because it was nice chatting. It’s funny because we were talking about signs and she told me she believes in them, when I got in the car, I told my husband that I hope she sees us meeting as a sign, because I know I would have. When I got home I got a text that said she is looking at our meeting as a sign. I smiled. I know all about signs.

So, now I have to wait to have this minor surgery and hope that’s not too painful. Just one more step until my baby girl is growing inside my belly.