Initial Ultrasound & Blood Work

After meeting with the doctor originally, I was asked to get blood work done to see what my AMH (anti-mullerian hormone levels) were. So I went to the lab and was strangely excited to get this done. I hate needles, but really, who LOVES them anyways? But on a different level, I was excited to get the blood test to sort of test myself for what was to come. If I don’t die, lol, or even shed a tear, this is going to be okay. So I get checked in and wait for my name to be called. The woman who called my name was a bigger woman who looked a bit rough around the edges. I remember thinking last time I got blood work, that she was more than likely not going to find a vein (since it’s rare to find a vein on me on the first try) and she probably wasn’t going to be nice about it. I also, remember her proving me wrong on both accounts and teaching me a lesson in judging a book by it’s cover. Not only did she find a workable vein on her first try, but, also, I barely felt a thing. So, when I got her again this time, I thought, thank goodness! She found the vein and got it all before I knew it. Now, I know to look for her next time.

I eagerly waited for my results. I had the blood test initially three years prior when we were trying to decide if we wanted to have another baby naturally or go through the IVF process to have a girl. At that time, I knew I wanted four children and I knew if we had a girl for the third one, my husband would say we were done. So I gave the natural way a shot, which is how we got the third boy, ugh/lol.

I got the results of my currant blood work/AMH, and the numbers were better than the test three years ago. So, basically, I truly am getting better with age. Hahahaha. The doctor said he was pleased with the numbers. Don’t quote me on this, and next time I go in, I will get the exact numbers, but I think my AMH level was 3.5 and now it’s 4. Anything over 3 is considered good, according to my doctor.

At my consult a few weeks ago, when I asked my doctor if I would need a uterine sounding, he replied yes, and I was worried for days about how much it was going to hurt. I kept reading stuff on the internet to tell me how painful it is and what to expect. I asked a friend who had the same doctor if she did it and if it hurt. She said she didn’t remember getting one and she said if she did, it probably wasn’t painful if she doesn’t even remember it.

I took three Advil Menstrual Pain tablets 200mg and hoped that would be okay. I got to the office and when the doctor asked how I was, I told him I was nervous and he asked me why, I told him because I read uterine soundings are painful, and he said, “oh, you’re not getting one of those today, we don’t do those. You’re just getting an ultrasound today, no need to worry.” Well, dangit doc, if only I knew, I wouldn’t have spent the last week worrying…lol

I thought to myself, what a dummy I was, lol. Thank god I was wrong, but at least I was prepared. Hahahahahaha. So I had my vaginal ultrasound, which is just a wand with a camera they stick in your vagine and get a better look at your uterus. No biggie at all. He looked around and saw my ovaries and uterus, looked at my scar tissue from my two previous c-sections, said everything looked good and gave me a diagnosis code for insurance.

After the ultrasound, the nurse met with me and informed me that my doctor, who I loved in the short time working with him, was retiring and I would have to chose a new doctor. I’m still bummed out about that, but I’m coming to grips with the idea of a different doctor. I looked up the new doctor and he is very well known in the community, so I have to trust he knows what he’s doing.

Now, I am just waiting to hear from my insurance to see what’s covered and what’s not, so we can begin. The first step is getting back on birth control pills, after my next period to regulate the egg count. So, since my next cycle is a week away, there’s still time to figure it out.

I am getting really anxious not knowing what will be covered and if we will be able to take on this journey or not. I’ve been working towards this goal for over a year, losing weight (50+ lbs) and mentally preparing for this process to start. Thinking of not being able to go through with it is stressful and scary. Keeping my fingers crossed.

The Beginning of the Adventure

Some would say I’m crazy. For many reasons, but mainly just one that is the most insane thing I’ve decided to do to date. I made the decision a year ago, that I would undergo IVF in order to have a baby. Why is this crazy you may ask? Many people decide this is the avenue they feel like embarking on to give them what they desire most; a child. Many people go through the agonizing pain and emotional turmoil IVF puts you through in order to hold a precious infant you call your own, to feel the tremendous gift of growing a life inside your body. The thing is, I have done that, three times now. All three times, I’ve been granted a boy. That’s three times the testosterone, three times the noise, three times the dirt, and bugs, and screaming. However, on the flip side, it is three times the hugs, the kisses, the snuggles, the deep rooted love between a mother and her son.

The problem isn’t my three boys, it’s my lack of a daughter. I’ve known deep within my soul I’ve wanted to be a mother most of my life. Such a great intense longing to feel that growing life inside my body, to give birth, and hold my precious child, that I created, in my arms. I always thought it would be a daughter. I thought her and I would bond and be inseparable, and we would always have each other. When I found out my first born was a son, I was disappointed, but knew there were more opportunities to have my daughter. When I found out I was pregnant again, after trying to conceive after my first borns first birthday, I was devastated when we miscarried. Never knowing if it was the daughter I longed for, or what that baby could have ever been was a hard pill to swallow. I immediately wanted a do-over and we conceived again as soon as we got the okay from the doctor. When I found out this baby was also a boy, and also had a birth defect, I was beyond upset. We moved past the birth defect as he grew within my womb and I had a very instinctual feeling to protect this little boy. He thrives today, but has obstacles he will need to overcome his entire life. When we felt it was time, we tried again, hoping to God, this was going to be our precious little girl. When I got a genetic test done in the first trimester, my doctor informed me it was another son. I wept on the exam table and couldn’t catch my breath. Just me and my doctor, alone, me sobbing, her trying to tell me how wonderful it was.

I retreated into my shell and became very thoughtful. Thinking of all the things I’ve been robbed of, the sheer disappointment and anger and sadness I had at the thought of another boy. I couldn’t possibly think of another boy name, much less two, for the middle name too. I couldn’t think of another boy nursery theme and didn’t want to go shopping for more boy clothes. I began forming an unhealthy hatred for the little boy baby growing in my belly. I didn’t talk to him much, didn’t feel any connection to him, he was just there. I thought the miracle of him being in there was amazing, but had no special feelings towards him, as my child. It wasn’t until he was born, I mean, the exact moment he was pulled from my body, that I felt such extreme love that I cannot describe it. It literally washed over me in warmth, I needed this child by me at all times. He was just perfect. The only explanation I have for that, is that it’s a God thing, all that manifested hatred turned into only love and wonderment for this little baby I now love so deeply.

I digress though, because, now, we are ready to have a fourth little baby, and my husband and I know that the odds are not in our favor. I know playing the cards and trying for the fourth will end in great sadness on my part and a deeper depression than the last three. That’s why we have decided to undergo IVF, and select the gender of the child. It is called family balancing and it is becoming more widespread. I realize I must be absolutely bonkers for dreaming of doing this, but it is more crazy for me to know there was an option out there for me to have a daughter and I didn’t utilize it.

So, here we are, I’ve had my consultation, and my initial blood work done. I am looking forward to my mid-cycle ultrasound to see where things are at in my body and get a better sense of what to expect.