Some would say I’m crazy. For many reasons, but mainly just one that is the most insane thing I’ve decided to do to date. I made the decision a year ago, that I would undergo IVF in order to have a baby. Why is this crazy you may ask? Many people decide this is the avenue they feel like embarking on to give them what they desire most; a child. Many people go through the agonizing pain and emotional turmoil IVF puts you through in order to hold a precious infant you call your own, to feel the tremendous gift of growing a life inside your body. The thing is, I have done that, three times now. All three times, I’ve been granted a boy. That’s three times the testosterone, three times the noise, three times the dirt, and bugs, and screaming. However, on the flip side, it is three times the hugs, the kisses, the snuggles, the deep rooted love between a mother and her son.
The problem isn’t my three boys, it’s my lack of a daughter. I’ve known deep within my soul I’ve wanted to be a mother most of my life. Such a great intense longing to feel that growing life inside my body, to give birth, and hold my precious child, that I created, in my arms. I always thought it would be a daughter. I thought her and I would bond and be inseparable, and we would always have each other. When I found out my first born was a son, I was disappointed, but knew there were more opportunities to have my daughter. When I found out I was pregnant again, after trying to conceive after my first borns first birthday, I was devastated when we miscarried. Never knowing if it was the daughter I longed for, or what that baby could have ever been was a hard pill to swallow. I immediately wanted a do-over and we conceived again as soon as we got the okay from the doctor. When I found out this baby was also a boy, and also had a birth defect, I was beyond upset. We moved past the birth defect as he grew within my womb and I had a very instinctual feeling to protect this little boy. He thrives today, but has obstacles he will need to overcome his entire life. When we felt it was time, we tried again, hoping to God, this was going to be our precious little girl. When I got a genetic test done in the first trimester, my doctor informed me it was another son. I wept on the exam table and couldn’t catch my breath. Just me and my doctor, alone, me sobbing, her trying to tell me how wonderful it was.
I retreated into my shell and became very thoughtful. Thinking of all the things I’ve been robbed of, the sheer disappointment and anger and sadness I had at the thought of another boy. I couldn’t possibly think of another boy name, much less two, for the middle name too. I couldn’t think of another boy nursery theme and didn’t want to go shopping for more boy clothes. I began forming an unhealthy hatred for the little boy baby growing in my belly. I didn’t talk to him much, didn’t feel any connection to him, he was just there. I thought the miracle of him being in there was amazing, but had no special feelings towards him, as my child. It wasn’t until he was born, I mean, the exact moment he was pulled from my body, that I felt such extreme love that I cannot describe it. It literally washed over me in warmth, I needed this child by me at all times. He was just perfect. The only explanation I have for that, is that it’s a God thing, all that manifested hatred turned into only love and wonderment for this little baby I now love so deeply.
I digress though, because, now, we are ready to have a fourth little baby, and my husband and I know that the odds are not in our favor. I know playing the cards and trying for the fourth will end in great sadness on my part and a deeper depression than the last three. That’s why we have decided to undergo IVF, and select the gender of the child. It is called family balancing and it is becoming more widespread. I realize I must be absolutely bonkers for dreaming of doing this, but it is more crazy for me to know there was an option out there for me to have a daughter and I didn’t utilize it.
So, here we are, I’ve had my consultation, and my initial blood work done. I am looking forward to my mid-cycle ultrasound to see where things are at in my body and get a better sense of what to expect.