The Time is Now

Well, here we are, the night before I start my injections. The eve of the moment I’ve been waiting for for over a year. All this time preparing and researching and getting ready, and the time is now.

Man am I scared. I gotta tell you, I tell myself I’m a badass to get me thru the fear, but really I feel like curling up into a shell and hiding. I actually asked my PCP to prescribe me an anti-anxiety medication to get me through the next two weeks, because I’m afraid the fear will keep me awake at night and limit my ability to concentrate at work. I took my first Xanax last night, and I have to say, it definitely helped. I fell asleep smooth as butter, just off to dreamland, like you’re supposed to.

Let’s back up this train a little bit to give you guys some prospective. Last week, my husband and I went to the lecture the nurse at the IVF doctors office coordinates. It was my husband and I, another couple (who wasn’t 100% sold IVF was for them), and another couple (who seemed to be donating the eggs, but not undergoing the transfer themselves). I was nervous to learn more about the procedures ahead of me and as she began talking about how they go in and retrieve the egg, my heart is racing out of my chest. I seriously felt like screaming, right there in the office. Actually it was a perfect mixture of wanting to scream and cry all at the same time.

The nurse explained that at the time of the retrieval, you will be sedated, you count backwards from 10, by the time you get to 9 you’re out. Then the doctor goes into the vagina and uses a long needle to puncture the wall of the vagina and extract the eggs from the follicles. It takes 15 minutes and after you groggily wake up, you’re on your way. Oh and did I mention the part about my husband leaving a ‘sample’ in a cup while I am having that done? Yeah, hoping he can perform under pressure. Yikes. She said to expect cramping, and to take it easy the rest of the day…no problemo. After the lecture (as she addressed each couple and their needs during that time) I asked her if we could talk privately because I have a lot more questions. The other two couples didn’t have that many questions, so she finished up with them first. After that, she sat and talked to us at length for about 30-40 minutes. She listened to me cry, and heard all my fears, and talked me through all of them. She showed me all the needles and all the medicine and told me how to do it. She sat with my husband and taught him how to inject me and had him practice on a little foam block. He feels confidant he will be able to do it, and I am hoping to God he can, because lord knows I probably won’t be able to inject myself.

I came back to the office a few days after the lecture for my second ultrasound and some more blood work. We’re on 2 needles to date if we’re keeping track. The ultrasound seemed to take forever and I seriously feel like my ovaries are sore from it. Not to mention, my birth control pill ended Saturday, so Aunt Flow is due to arrive any day now. The nurse walked me through the injections again so I was clear. And after she took my blood she said the needles I will be using for the injections are three times smaller than the little needle she just took my blood with, and I gotta say, it hurt more coming out than going in. She told me tricks to help with pain and told me I would get used to it. And sent me on my way.

Now I lay here in bed, the night before this major life altering event and I am ready. I’m ready to take the bull by the horns and do this! I got this!

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